Saying Yes to Yourself: Repairing Boundaries and Recovering after Sexual Violence.

Thanks so much for stopping by to read this content. This is a sample from the ‘Boundaries’ chapter from my book Shadow & Rose: A Soulful Guide for Women Recovering From Sexual Violence. You can find about more about Shadow & Rose and the accompanying Yoga Nidrā offerings on my website www.youreenoughyoga.com

Saying Yes to Yourself; Recovering Your Boundaries and Voice

Boundaries and Self-Care are best friends, they go hand in hand and help us to reclaim a sense of both stability and personal power in the aftermath of being sexually attacked. When we implement boundaries as an act of self-care, we protect our energy and peace of mind from being drained by the words and actions of other people. Setting and voicing boundaries can feel daunting at first and require you to behave in a way that you are not used to, so that you can put your own needs and recovery before the needs of other people. Healthy boundaries transform our lives and shift us from victim mode into a Fiercely Loving Autonomous Bad Ass.

I grew up as an only child and so, I had no siblings to practise boundary setting with when I was young. I don’t really mind because I liked being an only child, but I think I missed out somewhat on knowing how to say “yes” and “no” in response to people about what behaviour I was ok with from them and what presented a no-go. I would go over to my friends’ houses and see them fighting with their siblings when a brother or sister ate the last of their Maltesers or sat on their bit of the sofa watching Neighbours. I was quite a timid child and all this shouting and pushing around that I saw seemed a bit intense for me, but what was happening was that my friends were exercising their right to the personal boundaries and effectively communicating yes or no to what they liked or didn’t like; albeit it in an appropriately chaotic and literally childlike fashion. I remember being in junior school and a ‘friend’ was horrible to me and stole my necklace. I was clueless about what to do or how to say and show that ignoring me for a few days and then stealing from me was really out of order. I hadn’t been able to rehearse these boundary conflict situations with siblings and so I kept silent and felt embarrassed. I felt queasy that somebody I knew had taken what was mine and that I couldn’t do anything about it. This is one of my earliest experiences of a personal boundary violation. My childhood friend had no right to invade, no responsibility for, nor ownership of my personal space and necklace, and yet invaded my space and took what belonged to me.

Tangible or physical boundaries are all around us. We see fences, gates, doors, the central reservation on the motorway; these all show us where one thing ends and another begins. The gate on a driveway shows that whatever is inside that gate belongs to a person and that that person is responsible for and owns that property. The other side of the gate marks where the pavement is; the home-owner is not responsible for and does not own that section of pavement. Our skin is like a gate, keeping the boundary of our physical bodies. We are responsible for ourselves and have ownership over our bodies. Nobody else has a right to your body, nobody else is responsible for your body and certainly nobody else owns your body. You are a Sovereign woman who has a right to boundaries, a responsibility for your boundaries and ownership of your Self. Our skin is a tangible boundary marker, like a gate, that shows the outer edge or boundary of the physical body. But it is also possible to experience a boundary having been overstepped when somebody comes too close to our personal space, without being touched physically. When I was training in Reiki I learned a lot about the energy field that surrounds a person’s physical body. There are many layers to this energy field. On the outside of the physical body we have tiers of energy that still belong to us; one of these layers is called the aura. Whether you believe in these invisible energy fields or not, they do exist, and we can feel ours when somebody stands that little bit too close to us. Our energy field detects the sensation of another physical body being close to ours, and then the brain sorts through information in lightening quick speed to assess whether we are in danger or not. In the immediate days after being sexually assaulted I struggled to have any person near me, as not only my body but also my energy field had been invaded and disrupted by the attack. I would start to sweat walking along a pavement if a man even looked in my direction, let alone walked near me on the same side of the street. I was not into hugs from anyone for a while either because this felt too close to my physical boundary, which had been so massively, abhorrently disrespected.[1] You have the right to voice what physical behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable. You have the right to voice a hard, absolute “Fuck Off No”. However, our right to, responsibility for and ownership of our boundaries feels utterly wrecked after suffering any kind of abuse or sexual violence.

Re-establishing and setting boundaries has been an integral part of my recovery by allowing me to recover my autonomy. I felt I had no autonomy and no voice to speak out with after I was raped. I had said “No” to somebody having sex with me, I had tried to fight him off, and still it happened. I was frightened that anything else I would ever say “No” to would be ignored leaving me with no say, no voice. I felt that my voice had been stolen along with my right to say “yes” or “no”, and in these early stages of recovery I felt helpless, hopeless and powerless. The more I came to understand, believe and know that none of it was my fault, the safer I felt in the validity of my boundaries and with the voice to speak up for myself. My boundaries and voice were always completely valid and powerful, but the mind trick of sex crimes is the survivor being made to feel like they have no power, no strength to heal their life. Sex crimes are the ultimate case in point of breaking another person’s boundaries. Sexual violence is a perfect storm, which violates our physical, emotional and mental boundaries. Remember how I laid it out for you earlier and said that “You did not deserve it and it was not your fault?” That was me reminding you that being sexually abused, assaulted and/or raped is indefensible behaviour and nobody should be expected to tolerate this behaviour. The very nature of being sexually attacked is that we did not want it to happen and so this is attack is an absolute boundary violation. Whether you were able to scream out, “No” or “Stop” or “Fuck Off” or whether you were stunned into frozen silence when you were attacked is irrelevant, your body, mind and heart did not want to be sexually interfered with. Survivors of sexual violence often feel completely boundary-less and powerless in the aftermath.

Barriers and boundaries are not the same things. Barriers are driven by fear, isolation and turning away from life. Boundaries are fuelled by self-care, they are flexible if we want them to be and they help us grow and heal so that life can be enjoyable again. Bit by bit, I put myself at the centre of my life because recovering was all that mattered. As part of my recovery plan from my therapist I meditated more often, which actually only meant two 10-minute sessions each day. The more often I let myself sit in silence in these prescribed meditation sessions, just being quiet with myself, the more I connected with an inner sense of safety. Meditation was helping me to trust life and to trust that I was safe. The scary stories that my brain would run on repeat about being unwanted, helpless, hopeless and powerless were still there in the background but they got quieter and some days, they would fade into the recesses completely. I knew I was recovering because I was spending less time feeling scared and more time considering new ways to heal, possibilities for my return to London, for seeing friends and having the confidence to socialize once again because there was no tattoo of the word ‘victim’ on my forehead for all to see. I trusted that I was capable of surviving without having to put up barriers to ensure my safety.

Here are some of my examples of boundary setting, which I hope will inspire your own sense of power to bloom:

Taking time away from my job so that I could fully be with my emotions. In 2017, I worked at a school on a self-employed contract, so I appreciate it may have been easier for me to take time off work than it may be for other people with less job flexibility. However, if you want to set a boundary to ring-fence time for the early stages of your recovery (and I truly encourage you to take as long as you need away from work, particularly if you work in a highly pressured environment), then you can be signed off work by your GP for mental health reasons. You will be entitled to statutory sick pay.

I negotiated with my supervisor to reduce my teaching hours for a while once I felt ready to return to work. I was unwilling to work a full week until the anxiety I was suffering stopped bubbling up so often. You are entitled to request a staggered return to work or reduced hours if you feel this will benefit your recovery. Eventually, it may feel like returning to work on your own terms provides you with a daily routine, reminding you of your highly capable nature and talent in whatever field you work in.

I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do or go anywhere I didn’t want to go. If friends invited me to go for a night out in the part of town where I was attacked (which annoyingly was the locality where our usual nights out took place) I would decline the offer. If you want to stay home where you may have been up for partying before, or don’t want to go out at night with friends, just say, “No thanks”. There is no need to justify or explain your choice. In time, you may want to go out on the town again. I certainly felt good about doing that when I felt ready. But until you feel ready, set your boundary and just ‘do you’.

There was a time when learning about boundaries as part of self-care felt like a foreign land to me. I am eternally grateful for my therapist, who helped me to understand the importance of boundaries and gain the confidence to practise setting them. This absolutely incredible human being is Debra Kilby. Debra is an intuitive energy reader and healer, spirit baby medium and channel for the spirit. Debra has been practising energy healing since 2010. Debra is a qualified Spiritual Counsellor, Advanced Theta Healer and Advanced Soul Plan Reader. She is a member of the Holistic Healing College (HHC) and Theta Healing Institute of Knowledge. She is an expert in EFT (tapping), Matrix and Birth Matrix Reimprinting and an EFTMRA member.

Debra creates a loving and safe space for women to heal and find a deeper understanding of their life experiences, to feel confident, courageous and wholly them. Debra’s website is listed in the resources section of this book.

This is what she has to say about boundaries:

“Creating boundaries is one of the greatest gifts that you can give to yourself. The sense of this is me, my body, my feelings and my choices. Feeling comfortable saying “yes” to yourself and “no” to others, whose demands, requests or energy does not fit with your own.

I see boundaries not as a form of protection, which can feel contracting and coming from fear, but as a form of permission.

There are so many life experiences, going right back to your time in the womb that can influence how easy or difficult it is to create boundaries for yourself. Where you are with your boundaries can be a measure of your sense of self-worth and of how much you value yourself.

Loving yourself (and feeling worthy to do so) is one of the greatest challenges. It is also a journey to the greatest feelings of joy and freedom. You hold within, no matter how deeply buried, the courage to begin healing those moments, which led you to believe that you are not worthy. As you do so, you begin to recognize you are indeed worthy of love, kindness, respect and living your heart’s desires.

To know and to feel yourself move from a place of feeling disempowered into a space of self-love and self-belief. To create yourself, to respect yourself and to establish your boundaries is you rising into the beauty, love and magnificence that you are — the Truth of who you are beneath the hurt.

Say “yes” to receiving the blessing of sensitivity and the energy of the following beliefs to help you to feel more in tune with the subtle energies of the world, without your own energy being affected. Create your own boundaries.

• I have the highest truth and understanding of energy
• I know what it feels like when I am standing solely in my own energy and power
• I know what it feels like to have boundaries and to put them into place
• I know what it feels like to be safe creating my own boundaries
• I am safe
• I know what it feels like to give myself permission to be sensitive to the world of energy, without being affected by it
• I know what it feels like to respond with compassion and yet also to respond with firm boundaries
• I understand that although I may perceive all, I have the power to choose what I allow to enter my field of energy
• I know how to release energy that is not mine, to cut cords and ties that drain my own energy
• I know what if feels like to live without feeling responsible for anyone other than myself
• I know how it feels to give myself permission to release any fear, judgement or shame around any experiences of disempowerment
• I know what it feels like to trust my perception and intuition
• I know how to and I choose to live my daily life with this grace and ease now. I deserve to and I am safe in doing so.

And so it is.”

If you do not feel confident with boundary setting quite yet, just let yourself ponder and feel into Debra’s wisdom. Try it on, see what fits and leave the rest.

Nature has so much to teach us about keeping boundaries in place for as long as we need. Take the example of a caterpillar creating the chrysalis as its boundary, keeping itself cocooned away from the outer world, while it moves through its morphing process into a butterfly. Trust your own choices about boundaries because cocooning for safety for a period of time is essential while you recover. You are in charge of this process and when you are ready you will step out anew.

‘Creating Boundaries Is One Of The Greatest Gifts You Can Give To Yourself’ — Debra Kilby, Therapist

Recovery Guidance:

Acknowledge Your Progress: At the end of this week, note down at least two bits of progress that are relevant to your recovery.

Five Minutes of Self-Care: Write out the mantra: “Treating myself as a precious rose will make me strong.” Now list five things/actions that will help you govern your boundaries.

I wish you so much support and compassion during your recovery.

Contact Debra: https://debrakilby.com/

Purchase Shadow and Rose:https://www.kobo.com/gb/en/ebook/shadow-and-rose-a-soulful-guide-for-women-recovering-from-sexual-violence

This content is for educational purposes only. Please seek additional support from a qualified therapist for your recovery, or contact the emergency services if you are in crisis.

[1] My mind and body reacted this way due to the physiological symptoms of trauma. Trauma can be deactivated when it is addressed by professional therapists who know how to help the survivor down regulate their nervous system. This can be a slow process, but this is OK, because you are at the heart of your healing and when you move at your own pace in the recovery process, this is you taking ownership of your recovery, setting boundaries and being autonomous.